In five days I will "celebrate" the 26th anniversary of the Embassy Annex bombing in Beirut. The day my life was literally and figuratively turned upside down. The fun has already begun; the increased anxiety, the vivid recalls, nightmares, edginess, anger, sadness, tightness in the chest, jitters, and the ever present survivor's guilt.
All this and I still have five days to go. There's not enough drugs or booze in the world to stop this shit!!! The healing has to come from somewhere else. That is what's driving me, there has to be a better way, I know there is, and we are trying to put it together. But what really sucks is the shame I feel about all of this. The inability to tell friends and family about the inner torment because they will think I am crazy. I mean after all it's been 26 years, get over it!!!
I am so tired of the shame this brings, if I had been blinded by the blast, or lost a limp or two there would be no shame cast upon me, no doubt cast upon on my condition. Instead people could "see" what I had given for this country. Yet because my scars are internal, many not yet healed, my sacrifices are somehow questioned. My own neighbor this evening was talking to me, he knows of my situation, my service and my current circumstances. He was kind enough to ask how everything was going, and I told him I was holding my own at the moment. His reply "because from the outside it looks like you are doing fine, and we're just wondering if you are gold digging"! Gold digging, what the fuck..for what the scraps of money the VA may someday pay me, if and when they ever get around to reviewing my file. It took 2 1/2 years for them to settle my first claim, and it has now been 5 months since I filed again and I do not have an appointment with them for another month and half. Oh yeah I am gold digging because I love living the way I live. I love shaking, nightmares, flashbacks, having a back that barely allows me to lift my three and five year old children, having lapses in memory that have begun to rob me of days spent with my family and so much more shit. Would he ever had said that if I were missing a leg, or arm? No.. I do not want his or anyone elses sympathy, I served, I fought, I bled, I am damn proud of all that I have done on behalf of this country, I do not want your sympathy, I want understanding and respect. I want to be treated fairly and justly. I do not think that is too much to ask. Do not speak out of ignorance, instead ask questions out of curiosity, I will answer them, I want to educate any and all that which to be so; but if you wish to remain ignorant and propel stereo-types forward, do us all a favor, sign up for a tour in a combat zone, spend a moment in the shit, then come back and open your mouth and if your not willing to do that simply shut-up.
Sorry tonight was more of a rant than anything else. I am burning out a bit. Ever once in a while I look at numbers and see how slowly our efforts are moving forward and it frustrates the hell out of me. What we are doing is RIGHT, yet to get it done you have to jump through so many bureaucratic hoops, red tape, and dole out some serious ass cash, and that is even before you can help anyone.
Everyday when I type on this blog I realize on average at least 18 veterans have killed themselves. And I think if 18 were successful, how many tried and failed? How many had a plan and pulled back at the last moment? How many thought about it? And I wonder how many of them will succeed in the next 24 hours.
And I all do is keep typing on this blog, waiting and hoping for paperwork to come through, money to fall from the sky that will finally allow us to get out into the communities where these vets are and show them there is a better way....May God give me strength because sometimes I feel pretty damn weak. (and yes that is a very hard statement for a proud warrior to make, but you know what, it is true for EVERY one of us)!!
Veteran
A " Veteran--whether active duty, discharged, retired, or reserve..is someone who at one point in their life, wrote a blank check made payable to: "The United States of Amerrica" for the amount of " up to and including their life" Unknown
Ignorance will never understand. Americans are to narrow minded and spoiled. To live with similar/ yet very differant demons one can only just begin to relate I live each day wondering when my battle will end. What should be happy wonderful days Spent with a 2 1/2 year old son -are instead days filled of confusion and fear of invisible torture. The sense of smell my biggest enemy. The only sense that lives in the cortex of our brain (our reptilian brain) haunts me deeply and triggers many reactions.
ReplyDeleteSome Americans may indeed be spoiled, and even narrow minded, but a vast majority are ignorant about out plight, not so much by choice as they are from simply lack of knowledge or misinformation. One of our hopes is to start a movement that will begin to change that. Will it change overnight? Not a chance, but the change has to begin sometime, and now is the time.
ReplyDeleteI have a 3 year old and a 5 year old. About a year ago my daughter and I were playing catch with a stupid nerf footbal, as she threw it to me, I don't know if it was the arch of it or what, but in my mind it was an incoming mortar. I fled to the other room, curled up next to the couch, heart thumping, sweating, could hear the whistle of the incoming. The next thing I know my daughter is standing there crying thinking she hurt me. And I think of all the times when the shrieks of joy as they run around playing send me into a tailspin, and instead of being able to enjoy the moment I flee to get away from the noise as I feel my "invisible torture" kick in.
The invisible torture you speak of is not so invisible, especially to those close to you. The battle will begin to end when we stop allowing the torture to be silent and seek out those that can understand, will not judge and be there to keep us from going to our darkest places. We cannot change the hardwiring of our reptilian brain, but we can start to understand why we are reacting the way we are, and how to reduce the level of that reaction, and above all know we are NOT crazy for reacting that way.
It is possible to be a great father, proud warrior, and a "real" man even when we have been injured. We do have a choice to either suffer in silence and let people keep believing the untruth, or come together stand proud and simply tell the truth. We would never go into battle alone; and we are indeed in a battle now, let's not do it alone.
Crazy. An interesting word. The feeling. The thought. The idea. The mere definition. You say we r not crazy yet often we are highly judged and made to feel that way. We are raised to believe that the social norms must be followed and are the "way" and the moment you step outside that line. ...... The so called close ones no longer truly understand.
ReplyDeleteI have read every word you have written and am moved beyond description. Too often, our society measures courage inappropriately. How do you measure the courage of a man who has chosen to face his demons in a thoughtful and profound way, all while engaging the people who share his pain, but lack the ability to express it?
ReplyDeleteYou are a courageous man. Make no mistake about it.
I stare at words like "suck it up" and slowly shake my head in shame. Why? Because I am part of a society that expects our warriors to be ruthless and fearless, all while remaining immune to the horrors of war. In short, that makes me heartless.
Rich, I have always been proud to call you my friend. I am now even more proud to hail you as an inspiration.
Beautifully expressed, GPVAPOR. Your words represent the thoughts and feelings of many readers, I'm sure.
ReplyDeleteRich, as today moves into tomorrow, and tomorrow into many more tomorrows, I hope that you are more at peace with all your experiences as a warrior. Though the wounds may be invisible to others, they are your reminders that you were brave; that you sacrificed; that you put yourself on the line for our great country. Each time your demons appear, I hope you and others can transform your understanding of them from shame to pride. Even thank them for reminding you that you served this country, and your country is grateful.
You mention the new fight that must be fought to battle PTSD, and what comes to mind is David and Goliath. I believe you have found the proper weapon and strategy to fight the fight, David.